Former influential person Howard Stern (54) got married Friday night to long-time girfriend Beth Ostrovksy (36) at Le Cirque restaurant in New York City.
Stern divorced his first wife and mother of his three children in 2001, after 21 years of marriage, vowing to never take a wedding vow again. Apparently his inability to understand what “vow” means hasn’t scared away model and actress Ostrovsky, who proudly became Mrs. Shameless 8 Year-Old in front of a B/C/D list of wedding attendees that included Joan Rivers, Barbara Walters, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carrolla, Robin Quivers and Artie Lang, Steve Schirripa, Chevy Chase, Tommy Mottola, and Donald and Melania Trump. (We apologize for the number of times we mention Donald Trump on this site, but the man is a celebrity news lamprey!) Kelly Ripa’s husband and soap opera star Mark Consuelos got ordained as a minister to perform the ceremony, which brought the perfect amount of gravity to the proceedings. Fellow former influential person Billy Joel provided music for the occasion, and our paper-azzi on the scene transcribed the following lyrics from his performance:
It’s nine o’clock on a Friday
The has-been crowd shuffles in
There’s a young woman standing next to me
Smelling my farts and having to grin
She says, “Howard can you check out my mammaries
I’m not really sure how they look
Are they hot are they nice
Are they both the same size
Would you put them in your next book”
Cut us some cheese you’re an eight year old man
Cut us some cheese tonight
We’re all in the mood for some midgetry
And you got us feeling not bright
Na nana nanaaaaa
Na nana nanaaaaaaa nana
Our congrats go out to the happy couple, and starcasm.net will officially rescind the celebrity amber alert we issued a few months ago for Howard.
******WARNING****** The following is an in-depth scientific article with a very low humor/word ratio. Though it does have a cool graph at the end, it may be a bit much to swallow for those casual starcasm.net gossip readers.
Howard Stern is the self-proclaimed “King of All Media” but we here at starcasm.net prefer to call him the “Jack of All Asses.” Our title isn’t something we made up and handed out arbitrarily, it is based on the evolutionary theories of Dr. Gitwas Cumming. Dr. Cumming’s research into ancient human cultures and experiments with apes and chimpanzees would suggest that the rules of natural selection are being unnaturally and dangerously circumvented, allowing for the survival of far too many Howard Sterns.
