The Bachelorette, Season Five
Mondays, 8/7 c on abc

Season Premiere, 5/18/09 – Jillian Harris, the Canadian restaurant decorator who majored in hot dog theory and got her heart broken by douchey-eyed Jason Mesnick on the Bachelor, is sittin’ on top of the world in the series premiere because “how the turntables” to quote Michael Scott.

Jill’s livin’ every lady’s dream – rejecting 29 guys (or maybe all 30, we’ll see how this goes) over the course of several weeks while they constantly sing songs, worship your feet, offer to die for you, play fetch, roll-over, and beg to stop you from sending home their lame asses.

At the beginning of the episode Jillian’s enthusiasm and excitement is palpable. It’s HER turn and she’s ready to rock it, falling indulgently on her fancy hotel bed and shaking her bikini bottom like a woman with the world in the palm of her hand. Free from having to vie for the attention of Jason Douchnik, Jillian’s ready to kick some ass and take names. I mean she’s ready to fall in love, or at least star in scenes recreating romance novel covers accented with copious amounts of roses, champagne and sunsets. This is about fairytales b**ches: livin’ the dream, brought to you by Disney, Jane Austen and the 1950s.

The guys arrived and Jillian had to endure 25 bad lines that make the average 45-year-old unemployed loser who lives with his mom and has a pet iguana and an action figure collection sound like Don Juan.

She gets serenaded by Wes, break dances with Michael, gets her hand drawn on by “artsy” Kyle and Brian tries to impress her with stories from the trailer park. All in all, an average night at the bar.

Then the show’s plot twists as 5 more guys are added to the mix and everything just jumbles together: I can’t tell them apart anymore. It was like Octomom trying to remember all of her children’s names. The only thing that stands out is Tanner P. who nurses a foot fetish and convinces her take off her shoes so he can make love to her feet with his eyes.

Jillians gives her first rose to Dave, who’s hot because he got all nervous and choked on his words instead of delivering a heart-burn inducing fried cheese line dipped in hot sauce like the rest of the dudes.

Unfortunately Jillian let go the self-described “Perfect 10” fitness model Greg. My gaydar went into fits when his intro came on and I would have liked to see that play out a little longer. At least Jillian kept around Kiptyn who’s either going to win because he’s named Kitptyn or is going to be next season’s Bachelor, because he’s named Kiptyn.

Time will tell if she can find a guy who puts mustard on her hotdog, or the other way around. I haven’t had hot dog theory 101, so I’m not sure what I’m talking about here. Jillian did shake things up by saying that it no longer matters to her what a man puts on his hotdog. Sounds reckless, but it may be just that kind of season on the Bachelorette.