It appears as though the Dancing With The Stars curse has struck again, claiming the knees of two lady dancers contending for pop culture relevance. Alternafolkie-turned-failed-pop-tart Jewel reportedly has fractured tibiae in both legs, while Access Hollywood host Nancy O’Dell tore the meniscus in her knee, which means both ladies are not going to be able to dance on the show and will continue to toil in obscurity.

But, Dancing With The Starma dictates that for every door that closes, one must open – and the first to dance through is former playmate Holly Madison, fresh off a breakup with illdouchenist Criss Angel. The other replacement dancer will be announced during the season premier of the show Monday night.

I’d like to offer a little Dancing With The Starcasm in the form of suggested dances for each of the 13 original contestants, as well as the recently added Holly Madison:

JEWEL (Singer/out with fractured tibiae) – The Achey Breaky
NANCY O’DELL (AH host/out with torn meniscus) – The Emergency Roomba
BELINDA CARLISLE (Lead singer of the Go-Gos) – Go-go dancing (Too easy)
DAVID ALAN GRIER (Comedian) – The Jokey Pokey
GILLES MARINI (French hunk from Sex and the City) – The Mom Beau
STEVE-O (From Jack Ass) – The Jerk
SHAWN JOHNSON (Gold medalist in gymnastics) – Balleijing
LIL’ KIM (Rap singer) – The Lindy Hip Hop
LAWRENCE TAYLOR (NFL hall of fame linebacker) – The Jockarena (Or, if you pronounce “macarena” differently: The Linebackarena or The Sackarena)
DENISE RICHARDS (Bad actress that gets around) – The Wafloozy
TY MURRAY (Rodeo star) – The Rodeolero or The Bolerope
CHUCK WICKS (Country musician) – Contra Line Dancing
STEVE WOZNIAK – (Co-founder of Apple computers) – Square Dancing
HOLLY MADISON – (Playboy playmate) – The Bunny Hop or The Miss March

My recommendation for Nancy’s replacement? Paris Hilton. She could take her pick of dances from the obvious Horizontal Mambo, the Poon Tango, and my favorite: The Twatoozy. If one of the male dancers go down, I would recommend former Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? douche bag Rick Rockwell because he obviously already knows how to do the Darva Conga.

(I have theory about the DWTS “curse.” I think there is an obscure starlet out there that is causing these injuries in hopes that she will be invited onto the show as a replacement. I’ll give you a hint: Jeff Gillooly. Still can’t guess? Just click here)

Thanks to TMZ.com, here is a list of DWTS curse victims to date:
Marie Osmond (fainted), Stacy Keibler (seizure), Susan Lucci (ankle), Jeffrey Ross (eye), Karina Smirnoff (fainted), Derek Hough (head injury), Misty May-Treanor (torn achilles), Mark Ballas (shoulder), Kym Johnson (shoulder), Toni Braxton (benign lump), Brooke Burke (foot), Julianne Hough (appendectomy), Jane Seymour (food poisoning), Cristian de la Fuente (arm), Kim Kardashian (foot) and Gilles Marini has already been diagnosed with tendinitis.

****UPDATE 3/8/09 – People magazine is reporting that Nancy O’Dell’s spot on Dancing With The Stars will be filled by Melissa Rycroft. Who?!?! She’s the one left standing at the engagement altar by Jason Mesnick in this year’s season finale of The Bachelor. (Whew! The list of eligible “stars” that are willing to dance on short notice must be VERY short!) With only a few days to prepare, Melissa plans on appearing and dancing in the season premiere competition Monday night.