Retired actor Joaquin Phoenix continues his musical barnstorming tour of idiocy, this time performing at LAVO in Las Vegas. (If you can stomach it, I’ve put a couple videos at the end of this post – one features Joaquin sucking at rap and the other features him sucking at leaving the stage. I can’t decide which he sucks better at!)

Back when Phoenix announced his retirement from acting with his infamous “Bye! Good” episode at last year’s premiere of his movie Two Lovers, I assumed he would be fronting some loudly mediocre alternative rock band, so I came up with some potential band names. But now that Joaquin has revealed he hopes to become the world’s first 220-pound bushy-faced homeless-looking white guy rapper, I’m gonna have to start all over from scratch! Grrrrrrrr!!! So, I’ve come up with some brand new potential musical monikers for the furry-headed Ewokeen Phoenix, this time with more of a rap/R&B flair and in the easy-to-digest “Top 10″ format:
10. Gorillionaire
9. LL Fool J.
8. Yo Hobo and a Bottle of Rum DMC
7. Ludicrous
6. Rip Van Cracker
5. Public Enema
4. The Unabummer
3. Notorious B.I.G.foot (or Notorious Bye! Good)
2. Gruff Daddy
1. Gorilla Ice
Joaquin rapping terribly:
Joaquin exiting the stage without falling down terribly:















Thanks.
I still can’t get over ho horrible this news is/was. It’s almost worse that hearing him rap..it’s like really bad karaoke with terrible backing tracks to boot.
Ha, checked the other article..JOAQUMENTARY..lol.
Lmfao @
9. LL Fool J.
5. Public Enema
Maybe he could go with a play on his own name, like “Joaquin Tall”, “Joaquin Quickly” or “Keep Joaquin”?
Wow! “Joaquin Tall!” That’s beautiful, Static. I think you would appreciate our post on the first time we heard about him filming a Joaqumentary:
http://starcasm.net/archives/1946
I’m partial to The Unabummer. The name has street cred. lol
You should really take this naming thing on the road!
BWWWWWAHAHAHAHA..
Hysterical!
Ol’ Dirty Actor?
Ooooooo – I like Ol’ Dirty Actor! I saw some site call him MC Bed Bug – that’s a goodun too!
Some that I came up with that didn’t make the cut include:
Old Geezey
Sasquatch Shakur
DJ Jazzy Kaczynski
Notorious W.H.I.G.
The Unabombdiggity
Arrrrrrrr Kelly
Puerto Rico Suave
OutKastaway
Pyrite Pirate (It’s a Blackbeard Thing)
Brothers Grimminem
More Joaquin fun! Waleg.com wants you to pick which muppet Joaquin most resembles:
http://www.waleg.com/celebrities/archives/015011.html
I hope this is all an act.