On Monday a federal ruling legalized same-sex marriage in the state of Alabama, but some local probate judges are still refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay couples based on an order from Alabama’s chief justice, Roy S. Moore. Despite Moore’s conflicting order, marriage licenses are being granted to gay couples in some Alabama counties, which might have many folks fearing the Gaypocalypse. But no need to fear, thanks to brave “Redneck News” reporter Jeremy Todd Addaway we have a live “boots on the ground” report from Blount County, located in the heart of Sweet Home Alabama.
“We’re back here at my pile of junk and, uh, it’s still here,” Jeremy says from out behind his tool shed in the latter half of the report. “No homosexuals laying around doing homosexual things back here, and so, uh, it looks like we’re pretty safe here in Blount County, and we’re not going to be subjected to any kind of, uh, plagues of homosexuals falling from the sky.”
Jeremy then wraps things up. “So that’s the report here from Blount County. Everything’s pretty much still the same. Although I did see two squirrels earlier that were kinda suspect.”
Meanwhile, there are conflicting reports from former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams who says he was driving in Alabama this week when his Mercedes was shot at by a gang of camouflaged militants. He also reports seeing the streets of Birmingham outside his hotel room flooded with glitter and naked male bodies floating by holding colorful drinks with umbrellas. Those reports are unsubstantiated, however, and probably won’t be looked into until 2025 at the earliest.
