In a recent interview for Blender magazine, Fall Out Boy bassist (and husband of Ashlee Simpson) Pete Wentz cries a river of vinegar and water over his online reputation as the douchiest of the douche bags.

“I was letting the blogs get to me. It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douche bag.”

No question Pete looks the part: decked out head to toe in Hot Topics gear; his arms, neck and navel all have the appropriate generic goth tattoos; and on his head is the most ridiculously lame hairdo on the planet that is best described as a windswept Addam’s Family facial combover. But, it is P Wenty’s douchetastic actions that have separated him from the competition, especially since his marriage to Ashlee Simpson.

Granted, the pre-Ashlee stunt of pulling his pants down and taking pictures of his “fall out boy” with a cell phone and then having them “accidentally” turn up on the internet is a grade-A douchebag maneuver, but getting married and becoming a father has amplified his repulsive fratboy rocker actions and elevated him to douche superstar level. The FTW (for the win) moment that cemented Pete’s place in the Douchebag Hall of Fame (Somewhere in New Jersey) was a recent appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show. (Douchebag alert! There’s about a 90% chance that if you’re male and you’re appearing on The Howard Stern Show and you’re not a freak of some kind, then you’re a douchebag.) During the interview, Pete describes his sex life with wife Ashlee in great detail, including the first time they hooked up:

“We were in the Soho Grand Hotel, and there was a mirror, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, you’re banging the girl of your dreams and you’re watching it right now.‘”

Beautiful, romantic stuff. We won’t further woo the ladies with details of what Ashlee’s breast milk tastes like or how many years ago Pete would have considered a threesome with his wife and her sister Jessica because we have bigger fish to fry! (Actually, the same fish, but fried bigger!)

Running a snarky celebrity blog is partly predatory in nature, and Pete Wentz blubbering because the internet thinks his name is synonymous with douchebag is blood in the water to us! So, this great white snark is going in for the kill! We’re certain that constantly reading the words “Pete Wentz is a douchebag” can get a little boring, so we thought we might liven up Pete’s internet experience a bit with some creative ways of illustrating the synonymity:

(But wait! There’s More!)

****Editor’s Note - Spencer Pratt, president of Celebrity Douchebags of America (Celebrity DOA), has informed us that his organization has renounced all association with Pete Wentz and claims they are lobbying congress to apply the term “anal suppository” to Pete instead. No problem. Those cartoons would draw themselves!

****Editor’s Note II - Still unsure what a douchebag is? We highly recommend the funniest, most comprehensive douchebag resource on the internet: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/ Not only will you learn all about douchebags and the hot chicks that are inevitably attracted to them, but the website gives you mullet-esque names for each individual douchebag as well as annual awards in numerous categories. It’s truly a pinnacle of internet evolution, and an inspiration for this post.

****UPDATE 01/06/09 - John Mayer has come to the defense of his douchebud Pete Wentz in Blender magazine: (Note to self: Do NOT buy Blender magazine)

“Pete has this fabulous meta-awareness,” Mayer told the magazine. “Some people mistake it for narcissism, but it’s really just his way of playing with the idea of ‘Pete Wentz.’ His genius is he’s always one step ahead.”

Mayer also admires the way Wentz has navigated the perils of tabloid romance with his wife, Ashlee Simpson. “To have this beautiful relationship with someone who gets attacked so often, and to handle it with such grace and respect — I just find that really impressive,” said the rocker.

WHUH?!?? That doofus is stealing our sarcasm without even meaning to! Pete Wentz is the one attacking his wife and he’s doing it completely devoid of grace and respect! Grrrrrrrr! So many douchebags, so little time!

****UPDATE 01/07/09 - Damn! Write a post about a super douche bag and you spend the next seven days updating it! This update is to thank everyone for making us the number two result on google for both “pete wentz douchebag” and “pete wentz douche bag” – I can think of only one greater honor! C’mon! Number one! Number One! We can do it! We want to be the authoritative source for everyone wanting to know about Pete Wentz being a douchebag! Ummmmm – I’m not sure what you can do to help, but if you figure it out then do it and do it a lot! (I will sleep better tonight knowing that there is a VERY good chance Pete Wentz has read this. Hey Pete!)

****UPDATE 03/27/09 - Congratulations to Pete Wentz who has the dubious honor of being on the premier issue of Starcasm.net Publication’s Douche Bagazine! A lot of flat irons were abused and lot of urine was drunk to lead up to this achievement, and we salute Pete Wentz for all the time an effort he has put into being a douche. In fact, Douch Bagazine would have never gone into publication without him. Don’t drink to much Moutain Douche tonight when you celebrate. That always catches up with you in the morning.
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