I was thumbing through some older photos when I ran across thumbnails of two women on the beach in what appeared to be bikinis. The description said something along the lines of “Colombian model Carla Ossa models underwear in St. Barts.” Underwear? Even better! Who’s Carla Ossa? So I did some thumbnail clicking and spent a little (a lot) of time googling and ogling Ossa, figuring out she’s the brunette in pink. Everything was hunky dory!

Then, I saw them.

I usually pride myself on being able to describe epic fails, but I am seriously over-matched by these things. They look like something a scrap-booking high school girl made for prom night. There’s messy purple lace surrounding a twig, a couple flowers and what appears to be a blue butterfly – all set against a chartreuse background. Maybe this is a chastity belt designed to keep men with any sort of taste away? I don’t even think beer goggles could get me past those things! How in the world do you screw up panties?!?! If you have any questions, just remember: “Less is more!”

(Click thumbnails for larger images)

Plus, they don’t even do a good job performing the most basic of panty tasks! Check out this photo and tell me if you don’t see a little more than you should: (My apologies for the blurriness on these – apparently the paparazzo was on a sailboat 12 miles away. He must have been a man with taste.)

(Click to see larger image)

In stark contrast to the chartreuse Fruit of the Dooms are the sexy little pink-bowed lace panties on Miss Ossa. Though nowhere near a deal-breaker, I do have to wonder why they have two yellow ribbons attaching them to the bra??? Perhaps this was a photoshoot for a line of scrap-bookers’ lingerie?

Wow. I sure didn’t set out to do a post rambling on about underwear preferences. Sometimes we serious journalists are forced to answer a higher calling.

Photos: TRB/Fame Pictures

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