Last night’s episode of Chelsea Lately got a rather risque kickstart thanks to an opening shower scene featuring a nude Sandra Bullock in which America’s Sweetheart gave Chelsea handler (also nude) a verbal and physical smackdown!

For those of you unable to watch the clip, here’s the script along with lots of topless Sandra Bullock photos! (Yes, and Chelsea too.)

Chelsea walks into the staff showers and turns on the water before Sandra Bullock sneaks in and messes with the water.

“Hi, Sandra,” Chelsea says, startled.

“Sandy,” Bullock replies.

“Hi, Sandy.”

“For friends and industry insiders it’s Sandy,” Bullock says dead seriously. “You might just want to call me Sandra.”

“Well, you just told me to call you Sandy, so. . .” says a confused Handler.

“Don’t worry about what I just said, okay? What you need to worry about is pulling your sh!t together with this fancy new stage that you have which I think is a sham,” Bullock rants. “First of all, stop calling yourself the white Oprah.”

Handler replies defensively, “I never called myself the white Oprah. I was misquoted in Serbian Vogue.”

“You have a responsibility to be a respectable talk show host. This comes directly from Oprah’s mouth, to my ear, to my mouth, out of my mouth, into your ear, down your body, out your vagina, up my vagina, out my ass,” Sandra says as she demonstrates the trajectory with hand gestures. “The theme of this message is that you are a huge disappointment,” she continues. “You have a responsibility to be a role model — a role model to young girls and gay and questioning youth. And you need to lay off the booze. Lay off the booze. Lay off the booze!”

Handler insists she’s “not drinking nearly as much” as in the past, but Bullock isn’t sold.

“Did I say you could talk? No. Because when you interrupt me, it’s like interrupting Oprah,” Sandra snaps. “Stop sleeping with your guests! Stop it! It’s beneath you. That is why I have not done your show. I do not want to sleep with you.”

A meek Chelsea defends herself by saying she doesn’t “even sleep with that many any more. I mean, just some of the rappers.”

Bullock then slaps Handler in the face. More than once. “Why did you hit me?” a shocked Handler asks.

“Because I think you could be something really big and inspirational to all women. To all women. Oprah thinks you’re the real deal.”

“She does?” Handler asked.

“No, she actually has no idea who you are,” Bullock answered.

The skit was funny, and I’m all about finding reasons to do nude pixelated shower scenes with big name female celebrities, but I think the coolest thing about the clip is that it gives us a vague idea of what it was like to be Jesse James when Sandra Bullock first found out about his philandering.

“Stop sleeping with tattooed bimbos! Stop it! It’s beneath you.” ***SLAP*** ***SLAP*** ***SLAP***

And just in case there are some of you out there more excited about a nude Chuy Bravo than a nude Sandra Bullock, don’t worry because Chelsea LAtely has got you covered! (Unlike Chelsea and Chuy)

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