The newest batch of celebrity relationship train wrecks made their debut last week as the second season of VH1′s Couples Therapy kicked off. As part of the premiere, fans were given the back story on all of the “celebrity” cast members, including numerous tabloid covers featuring the cast members. Oh wait, none of these cast members are big enough to be on the covers of tabloids. That’s OK though, VH1 just made some up for you.
In perhaps the greatest waste of time in human history I have captured all of the fake tabloid covers used in the premiere episode, carefully edited them in Photoshop, and compiled them for you here!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Being a celebrity blogger I put a lot of effort into numerous things that posterity — and people in the present for that matter — will certainly look back on as a complete waste of time. (What, you don’t care that one of the contestants on The Bachelor was the model featured on cans of Hooters energy drink?!?) (That took me hours of research btw.) But this post may just take the top prize for 2012. Yes, it’s even more embarrassing than our post compiling photos of the entire Couples Therapy cast (sans Courtney) crying.
I will go in the same order as the couples were presented in the episode, and that means we kick things off with the most notorious cradle robber of the last 50 years and his young teenage bride with the great body and grating personality — Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden. (Affectionately known as “Dourtney.”)
First up is their In The Know weekly cover, clearly a spoof on In Touch weekly. The cover boasts exclusive interviews including Courtney’s mother and features what looks to be a quote from her and Courtney’s father that reads, “We think it’s amazing!” Just under that is the blurry subheadline that reads, “she has agreed to give Guy Ritchie the huge lump sum to end their eight-year marriage.” Love it!
Next up are Dourtney’s Vs weekly (a play on Us weekly) and Gossip Zone weekly, which I would guess is a reference to TMZ, which stands for Thirty-Mile Zone. The latter features an article about the couple receiving death threats while Vs weekly announces “Lost Actor Robs the Cradle!” with the enticing tease, “I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes” just underneath in smaller letters. Wait, what?
VH1 then introduced us to The Bachelor winner Shayne Lamas and her hubby, TheDirty.com owner Nik Richie, who famously got married in Las Vegas in April of 2010 only eight hours after meeting each other. (The two now share a daughter who has a long, long road ahead of her.) Shayne and Nik also made the cover of In The Know weekly, you know — the lamest magazine ever? How lame is it? It looks like the Shayne Lamas/Nik Richie marriage not only merited a cover story, but a whole issue! The headlines along the side (two of which obviously include additional photos of Shayne and Nik) announce such startling things as “Rude Awakening,” “Families Shocked To Find Out” and “Kids On The Way?”
That was the only magazine cover for Nik and Shayne (how sad is that?), but VH1 was kind enough to create a fake story about the marriage on the fake Internet Reporter blog with the headline “Web Mogul Ties The Knot!” The blurred out story beneath starts out with, “Sources close to Angelina tell us the reality star was inside Hot Topic at the Staten..” (You can read the rest of the story over at TMZ under the headline “‘Jersey’s’ Angelina: I Was Attacked at The Mall”)
The covers created for The Real Housewives of New York City veterans Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen were perhaps my favorite. We’ll kick things off with their In The Know weekly cover story titled simply “Two Bitches.” Thumbnail images of Simon and Alex appear below the main photo along with the question, “Where is the ring?” Below that you can barely make out the words, “she has agreed to give Guy Ritchie the huge lump sum to end their eight-year marriage.” Sound familiar? Well, the other headlines along the edge are also the same as the Dourtney In The Know weekly cover too. (That’s just lazy VH1!)
The network’s graphic designer also replicated the template from their Vs. Dourtney cover for Simon and Alex’s, which is all about their getting booted from The Real Housewives of New York City. Also, Alex opens up to tell her side of the story in Gossip Zone — and on another cover (I couldn’t tell which one because it was cropped), Simon and Alex appear to get a full issue all to themselves with a focus on their relationship woes.
Ah, but the coup de gras of Alex and Simon’s fake media coverage is this magazine article titled SIMON VAN KEMPEN “I’M NOT GAY. First off, who cares? And second, I dress better than gay.” The article is accompanied by a photo of Simon in one of his ridiculously colorful pair of britches:
***If this is an actual article please let me know because I want to read it!
Last up is Jodeci and K-Ci & JoJo singer Joel “JoJo” Hailey and his wife Tashaunda “Tiny” Hailey. JoJo and Tiny seem to get along fine, and JoJo’s career seems to go fine — until he starts drinking! JoJo has famously taken more than a few drunken stumbles on stage, and apparently he’s doing the same thing with his marriage and his health. His drunken antics even landed him on the cover of Gossip Zone weekly with the headline “K-Ci and JoJo Fans Demand Refund!” and a “Signs of Trouble” button:
In addition to Gossip Zone, JoJo also got a little special treatment from VH1′s resident graphic designer by landing the only Strobe cover, an obvious spoof on tabloid staple The Globe! Once again it’s JoJo’s mixing of alcohol and performing that earn him the headline “JoJo Collapses Onstage!”
Well there you have it folks! One of the biggest wastes of time and energy in the history of blogging! I only hope the person who put these together for VH1 runs across this post and knows his or her efforts were greatly appreciated by at least one person
Oh, by the way, if you actually want to watch the show, Couples Therapy comes on every Wednesday night at 10/9c on VH1! You can also catch up with full episodes at VH1.com.