Country music singer and former Dancing with the Stars professional dancer Julianne Hough is the latest victim of the now infamous “Hollywood Leaks” group, who somehow managed to access her phone and yoink a ton of photos, which of course they then posted to the internet.
Thankfully (for Julianne) there were no nude photos or anything too personal, although there were a number of hilariously awkward and embarrassingly silly pictures in the bunch. So, I waded through the one hundred photos or so and came up with my Top 10 Hacked and Leaked Julianne Hough Photos for you, each with a title and a brief description. (To see all 100 you’ll need to hop over to CelebSlam.)
10. Who Gonna Want A Skinny White Girl Like That?
I hate to put words in anyone’s mouth, but I can’t imagine this photo’s title is too far off from what the lady in the background is thinking. Actually, I might should add an “Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmm!” in front if it to be completely accurate. (The answer to the question, by the way, is yours truly! If I were standing in the background of this photo my thoughts would also start off with “Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmm!” although it would have a slightly different inflection and wouldn’t be followed by a question but an exclamation!)
9. Worst Date Ever
If I said anything more it would just make this picture less funny.
8. Julianne Hough Prepares Some Mini Wheats
Speaking of “Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmm!” Is there anything better than some freshly prepared Kellogs Frosted Mini Wheats?!? What’s that you say? Frosted Mini Wheats with marinara sauce? Well played, Julianne. Well played. (No, those aren’t really Mini Wheats – just pokin’ some fun at Julianne’s cooking skills is all.)
7. Julianne Hough Unretouched
I realize magazines have to touch up their photos and I’m sure the celebrities are appreciative of their Photoshop skills, but I’m definitely a much bigger fan of my celebrities au naturale! Sure, this photo highlights a few slight imperfections in Julianne’s skin, but she looks so much more like a real, live beautiful woman than the slicked over glossy final product I’m sure this photo turned into before publication – if it ever was published.
I did a bit of research hoping to turn up the retouched version of this image, but all I could find was a Women’s Health magazine cover from May 2011 featuring Julianna that was obviously taken from the same shoot. (See photo on right – click thumbnail for a larger image) There is also a full page shot of Julianna in Us Magazine in which she is wearing the same denim short shorts, but is wearing a white top. (No imperfections are visible in either)
6. Proof Julianne Hough Doesn’t Do Heroin
I though about captioning this one “Second Worst Date Ever” but I didn’t want to appear lazy. (Plus, it would have seemed odd having the second worst date ever outranking the worst date ever.) Does this sympathetic photo make anyone else think of a wet kitten. (Collective “Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!”)
5. Mummy Dearest
Ummmmm… What can you say about a photo of a celebrity with a towel on her head and wet toilet paper on her face? Perhaps this is just a stage one photo of her Ike Turner piñata Halloween costume? (Hi yooooooooo!!) (That was going to be a Chris Brown joke but I’ve been told by my editors to lay off CB for a while. P’shaw!)
4. Fredericks of Hollywouldn’t
If Julianne Hough could go back in time and delete one photo from her phone before it got I hacked, I’m guessing this is the one she’d choose. I’m as big a fan of lingerie as there is on the planet, but when I see this photo I just want to say, “Please, girl, put some clothes on! Oh, and stop whatever it is that you’re doing with your body!” Light turquoise and black with dangly frilly things all over it, together with lucite high heels and Elaine Benes dance moves… Oof. (Of course, it’s all relative. Julianne could be doing the chicken dance wearing trash bags and she would still be frustratingly attractive.)
3. Mormon Bonanza
In case you were wondering what family portraits of Mormon families with a passion for ballroom dancing look like, here’s your answer! (This one is a prime candidate for AwkardFamilyPhotos.com) Julianne was the youngest of five children in the Hough family, so I am assuming that is her in the lower right – but that would mean one of her three older sisters is missing. Also of note, that is lil Derek Hough there looking about as tough as a little boy can while wearing a shiny gold shirt and posing with the Mormon Solid Gold dancers!
2. Snooki Wynette
Let’s all take a moment shall we?
I know I’m supposed to talk about how ridiculous Julianne looks with her ozone-depleting towering blond ’70s country hairdo and bright white baby doll nightie, but my brain is too distracted by thoughts of loading up my Marty Robbins records and trying chewing tobacco for the first time as I ride out west to take bull-riding lessons during the day and chase Julianne at night. In the distorted words of Jack Nicholson’s character from As Good As It Gets, “This photo makes me want to be a manlier man.”
But to truly appreciate the power of the Julianne whitey nightie, we need to consider it’s impact on other segments of the population as well. Usually it’s photos of shirtless man candy like David Beckham and Brad Pitt that are the litmus test for young men uncertain of their sexuality, but this is one of those rare photos of a woman that could bring out the gay tendencies of the straightest of men! I can just imagine little Doogie Howser staring at this photo and realizing, “I want to be her!”
1. Joe Dirt
In stark contrast to the previous photo, this picture of Julianne Hough’s lip-broomed masculine alter ego makes me want to consider whether I am asexual. She looks like the daughter of Axl Rose and Poison – and just in case there is any confusion, I mean that in a bad way!
My opposition to the moustache is shared by Julianne’s lips, which appear to be suffering an allergic reaction to the Houghapiller. This picture and the “Mummy Dearest” tiolet papier-mache face photo above are the only two on the countdown that would stop my awkward advances in a bar, even with beer goggles. The only saving grace is that she didn’t fully commit to the Joe Dirt look with a mullet.
(You can see more, unhacked Julianne Hough in the upcoming theatrical remake of Footloose, due out October 14!)